What food would you only consider eating if you were stranded on a desert isle with nothing else to consume?
You see, this is where I run into problems, because my immediate answer would be, and would always be, tapioca milk pudding (or frogspawn,) because there is nothing on this earth that would get me to eat it, thanks to being traumatised with it at school. We were sat at tables with “food monitors” which is code for “meglomaniac senior kids” and they would force us to eat everything on our plates. Bobbly chicken skin, wrinkly, lumpy custard, thick chunks of bread pudding, gristly beef; it was horrendous. The cook was this savage little lady who always had a cigarette dangling from her mouth. And she couldn’t cook for shit. So yeah, tapioca pudding. The thing is, that implies that cows are on the island, and if that were the case, the unfortunate bovine would be on the fire pit faster than you can say “T-Bone.” So logically, tapioca milk pudding doesn’t make sense, but I’m still going with it
You can eat only one ice cream flavor for the rest of your life. Which is it?
Hmmm. Quentin Tarantino once told a story about being with a friend in New York, trying a peanut frappuccino. After tasting it, the friend said that if Elvis Presley ate a load of peanuts and then had an orgasm, his frappucino would taste just like that. So unless someone can present me with a gelato made purely from milk from golden cows, certified Elvis Presley jizz and peanuts, I’ll go without. PS. I hate ice cream!
Which of your characters is going to Vegas with you and why?
Definitely Lexington Black, because he has the money to put us up in a wonderful hotel and we can have a lot of fun on the Sunset Strip. There’s no point doing Vegas on a budget. And he might even sneak a kiss from Barry Manilow. Cocacobana!
Which of your characters should run for US President?
Well, not Lex, because I think he might be a bit of an asshole unless Rob can keep him in check. I actually have another character in one of my Jayne Lockwood books, Closer Than Blood. Richard Mason is a an altruistic psychopath, so in the current climate, he would be a perfect US President, because….
Multimillionaire businessman (stay with it…)
LGBT and proud of it (He’s pansexual)
Ruthless (he’s killed a few people but they were all assholes, so that’s okay.)
He’s philanthropic, looking out for the poor and hungry
He’s profoundly dyslexic, so what a great role model for others with the same difficulties.
Respects women (after a painful lesson from his forever love, Pagan. Yeah, so she could be his half-sister but nothings’ ever been proven….)
I’d say he was perfect for the role!
Write a story—no more than 100 words–based on this prompt: When the levee failed….
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
Marianne Dreams by Catherine Storr
Rebecca by Daphe du Maurier
Describe a memorable dream—or nightmare
I dream a lot, and promptly forget them the next day, but this one is memorable and I hope it doesn’t cause upset.
About twenty years ago, I began having dreams about climbing up a tall building. It was made of glass, very straight, so I could see right down to the ground as I was climbing. When I reached the top, there was a clock, a huge one with a big pendulum. It was ticking slowly, going backwards. There was a sense of impending menace but I wasn’t sure why. Looking out over the city, I knew I was in New York, but it was slightly different, with grassy spaces and hillsides amidst the big buildings. But the building I was on was so much bigger. After a while, I knew I had to get down to the ground, so I ran down the stairs. It was a bit like an Escher drawing, but I made it, and was really grateful to breath fresh air. It was a good feeling.
I had this dream several times in a couple of years, which is why it made such an impression, but the dreams stopped after 9/11, and I haven’t had it since.
What’s something you—or one of your characters—got in trouble for while in school
I was such a goody two-shoes, it was probably nauseating. Most of my characters have been terribly good at school. Or unexceptional anyway. But …. Does sleeping with the Headmaster count? Lexington Black did that when he was 18 (which is legal in England.) I meant, he was of legal age. So sleeping with the Headmaster is probably legal too, though probably not advisable….
Pick any place in the world to spend the next 6 months. Where is it and why?
That’s really hard, as I love the coast, but in the end, I think I’d choose somewhere close to Mesa Verde, in Arizona. I’m an inveterate weather watcher, so the opportunity to mix writing, exploring the wild and watching clouds would be irresistible.
You’re on a ship with Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Catherine the Great, David Bowie, Billie Holiday, and Gengis Khan. But oh no! The ship is sinking and the lifeboat only holds four people. You get to decide—who gets on that lifeboat?
Grrrr, I hate this question! I just take it all so seriously, not wanting to consign anyone to a watery grave.
I think Alexandra the Great and Gengis Khan would get on fabulously, and between them would be resourceful enough to build their own lifeboat before the ship sinks. And they would kill everyone else if I chose them, so Adios to those two. That leaves Mark Twain, Albert, David and Billie. Billie Holliday is tiny, and I’m only 5’4”. David Bowie was tall but really skinny, so actually, there would be room for all of us on the boat, as long as we get to it before Gengis does!
Lexington Black by S.A. Smythe
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